I was listening to NPR this morning while eating some chicken breast and baked potatoes and there was a story about how the State of Michigan basically took over Detroit’s finances because they have no cash flow and 14 billion in debt.  Everyone knows that Detroit is like the 70′s South Bronx of middle-America, except for the fact that the South Bronx was a neighborhood, and Detroit is a goddamn city!

We all know the basic back-story: Detroit automotive couldn’t make decent cars for years due to lazy union workers.  When you can’t sell your cars because they suck, and are saddled with the most ridiculous health care and pension plans ever, you go under.  Of course, there are other racial issues behind Detroit’s demise, such as “white flight” and other such topics.  But those issues are too deep to get into in this post.

For the record, I am actually for unions.  If we didn’t have unions, life would be awful.  But… sometimes unions get too greedy and kill the goose that is laying the golden eggs.  I also want to be on record saying that American automotive manufacturers are finally producing some awesome automobiles again.  The Corvette and the Viper are amazing supercars that are relatively inexpensive.  Suddenly, it is the Japanese who are sad.  No more Supras from Toyota!  The new Acura NSX has been on the drawing board for what seems like centuries.  Even the great Subaru WRX STI ruined the look of itself as did the Mitsubishi Evolution.  They are still mechanical marvels, but their look is hideous.  If you want muscle, your best bet is the Mustang or the Camaro – or even better yet… the Challenger.

But I digress…

So what is my plan to revitalize the frozen pile of shit that Detroit has become?

Simple.  I would bring back the Motown vibe but in a way that would bring shame to sin-city (Las Vegas).  It would be more like Macau meets Monte Carlo.

Let’s start with the downtown area.  All the classic city-hall buildings would be declared landmarks, then gutted and refitted into casinos and brothels.  It would look like the lower Manhattan of the 1890′s.  I would not allow major casino corporations to participate.  Instead, I would invite a new wave of gambling entrepreneurs to set up shop in their stead.  I would ignite this immigration by allowing all those off-shore gambling websites to set up operations in Detroit.  Local law enforcement (more on them later) would prevent any harassment from Federal or State authorities.  As the online gambling operation moved in, they would naturally start to open actual casinos.

So as not to upset our puritanical culture by mucking with prostitution laws, I would rather declare all such statutes unenforceable and demand that judges dismiss all cases related to such statutes the moment they turn up. This would cause an explosion in prostitution of all levels.  All prostitutes would be subjected to mandatory testing for STDs, but otherwise left alone.

Gambling and prostitution would be taxed at a flat rate to be determined.  The income from these taxes would be used to pay for law enforcement and provide jobs in clean-up and reconstruction.

Now about law enforcement… I would fire all cops and replace them with sheriffs.  No doubt the gangsters who end up controlling the casinos and brothels would do their part to keep crime under control, but the rest of the work will be done by the sheriffs.  Next, I would construct a super-prison that would make Riker’s Island look small.  This would not only keep crime under control, but would lots of jobs.

For the first decade or so, most of those jobs would be in clean-up and re-construction.  lol

Once Detroit was no longer a crime-ridden dumping ground and tourists were streaming in there to gamble and fuck, and cash was flowing, I would invite businesses to relocate there by having ZERO REGULATION.  No liquor license needed to open a bar!  No food inspectors harassing you!  You can just come and claim all that endless land and all those burnt-out houses.  No property taxes for 30 years!

Most important, is to invite the music and art scene.  Not much invitation would be required, as music and art thrives in sin.  All we’d really need to do is open some Motown concert hall and make it totally pimpish and give every bar that provided a music stage with a backend some extra bonus or something.