So it turns out Kim Kardashian is getting divorced from that tall retard she was marrying.  What the hell happened there?  I guess she realized he wasn’t black?  LOL!  I mean seriously… how do you get divorced in like 3 fucking weeks or some shit like that?  There must be some dark secret I can’t even guess at.  It just makes no fucking sense.  Perhaps she needed a man with a stronger sex drive. She lives in my neighborhood now, so today at Whole Foods I was saying to myself: “What if I run into Kim food shopping?”  But she probably doesn’t food shop – she probably has some assistant do it for her.  If I was a real celebrity though, as opposed to the mega-minor celeb I am, I would shop in public so I could fuck female fans.

It may be more realistic to run into her at Eataly.  That is possible I guess…  but she moved into the new Gansevoort on Park Avenue – no doubt to avoid the bigger loads I may blast into her hair or against her fat ass if I run into her in public.  I don’t get living in a hotel.  I mean, it isn’t really a hotel it is a 1/2 hotel – 1/2 condo or what they call “managed apartments” of something like that.  I just think those sorts of places don’t have a home-like vibe to them.  I rather get a penthouse condo somewhere around where I live.  Murray Hill, The Flatiron, etc.  The best places to live in Manhattan are between 14th and 34th Street and between 2nd Avenue and 6th Avenue.  This keeps you closest to the action.   You can can anywhere you want as fast as possible.

My toilet is still broken until Monday, so I am shitting in the basement laundry room.  My toilet is like 50 years old and beautiful, but one of the brass valves is corroded and needs to be replaced.  What I really want is a flushometer that puts out like 14 gallons per flush instead of the 4 or so most put out today, but I haven’t been able to talk my plumber into removing the water-restriction diaphragm in the straight pipe section of the flushometer.  NYC has these laws to “save water” but let’s do the math:

1.The old flushometer uses 14 gallons per flush.

2.Although the new flushometers use only 4 gallons per flush, I need to flush the toilet 5 fucking times to pull the shit down.  So the new “water saving” flushometers actually use 20 gallons per flush!  Way to go NYC!

But I had a startling revelation while watching my plumber.  Yes, I love watching people who actually do real shit (no pun intended) for a living work.  I learned that a toilet is just a sink – that you shit into!  I mean, it’s exactly that!  So now I know how to replace a toilet.  But I would never attempt to work on old plumbing, because when shit (punned again!) goes wrong what the fuck are you going to do?  It’s like operating on a 99 year-old woman: you may not be able to put her back together again when all has been said and done.

Messing around with the shower is okay, though, because it is hard to screw up replacing a shower head.

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