I’m all riled-up as Conan opens tomorrow.  Some say there can never be another Arnie, but Arnie was a failure as a governor and cheated on his wife with a troll from under a bridge.  So I have high hopes… Conan is Conan, after all…

So the other day I happened upon Dr Phil on TV, and the guy is the biggest assclown.  I don’t know if he is a doctor, but his advice is pretty stupid.  He used to have this guest family of fuckups on every Monday or some shit like that, and the family’s misery centered around this daughter who was kinda’ hot but dumb-as-dirt.  She was always taking drugs, getting knocked up, dating jailbirds…  and they’ve been guests for years as Dr. Phil attempts to fix her, but just fails in a most epic manner.  You’d think it would make him look bad to fail on national TV when given 2 years to succeed, but if Kramer can never pick a winning stock in years and people still listen to him for advice… well, really what can one say?

The truth is you will sell a book on how to get 6-pack abs much easier if the “model” on the cover doesn’t have 6-pack abs, because people think what they see is attainable by them when they see a fat loser, and they also won’t get jealous of Mr. Fats like they will when they see a male fitness model.  Seriously, like have you ever seen how many negative comments are on youtube any time somebody does anything remotely awesome?  Some fucker bangs out reps with 505 on the bench and people are criticizing his form!  People are threatened by greatness.

Anyway, Dr. Phil never points out the obvious, which is that this particular girl on his show, Alexandra – IS FUCKING RETARDED!!!

Seriously, I am not insulting her… if they gave her an IQ test they would find out she has an IQ of 33 and then it would be no mystery why she is such a fuckup.  Can you imagine being retarded and everybody thinks you are intelligent and holds you to the standards of intelligent people?  The stress is unimaginable!  Had they recognized Alexandra’s mental deficiencies early on, they could have sterilized her and given her a Play-Dough oven to occupy herself when she isn’t giving out blowjobs to the neighborhood men.  But no family can admit their daughter is retarded – they rather take the pain of her getting knocked up and doing dope because she thinks she is an intelligent person.

Speaking of dumb advice, Steve Harvey was on the other day giving some nice white boy advice about how even though he works 2 jobs, is sweet to his girlfriend, etc., he need to “man up” and be the kind of man she deserves.  Way to go Steve!  You spent most of your life as a struggling comic making less then a circus elephant but you can give advice to some 21 year-old handsome man who is doing the best he can that he needs to be a better man for some woman?   Just buy a bottle of MoneyShot cum pills and when you cover your girl in splooge, her reptile brain will give you massive fertility points and you won’t have to get a 3rd job.

Anyway, an image sprang to mind while watching that episode – an observation, if you will… and I rendered what was in my mind using Photoshop:

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